An Urgent Letter from Colonel Mustang to you
by AngryChair
Summary: Hello fans! It's me, Colonel Roy Mustang, the one and only flame If you believe me to be having sexual relations with Fullmetal or Lieutenant Hawkeye, you must read this letter to uncover the truth!


Dear Flame Alchemist fandom! (for some reason you abbreviate it as "FMA"... that's pretty innefficiant of you. Well, nobody expects fandoms to be all that bright, anyways...)

I've noticed that a lot of you are interested in what I do with my penis- and I don't blame you, it's a marvelous piece of manhood. However, I'm not too fond of the false assumptions you make about _who_ I do with it. I've never loved making my personal information public, but I figured someone had to set the record straight, and thought, why not me? Before I begin making my points, I'd like to dedicate this to the scarce few of you who actually got it right. I mean, it's not by any means your business who I have sexual encounters with, but it's pretty impressive that amongst the mass confusion, that there was anyone who was able to see the truth.

First off, I'm going to talk to the approximate half of you who think I'm hardening for Fullmetal. You're correct to assume that he and I have a close but complicated relationship, but if I ever had to look at his bare behind, it'd be because he'd somehow gotten badly injured in that area and I was the only one around to tend to his wounds (and hey, I don't want any fanart of this. And even more so, I hope that never happens because it would be so unpleasant, especially for him). Fullmetal, if you're reading this, try not to get wounded... but if you must, try to get wounded in your foot or your arm or something.

Anyways, the kid and are more like father and son than anything. I get pissed at him for making rash decisions and he's embarassed for my existence even though he knows I've done everything for him. Hypothetically, if I were to fall for a young man his age, I'd be a decent human being and keep it to marking off the calender until he reached adulthood. More to the point, I'm especially not interested in someone his age who's not only pint-sized but also incredibly immature. And have you see the way he eats? He's like a pig- or piglet, I should say. Seriously, if there's anything that's even slightly hot about him, it'd his... well, let me think... of course- his teacher, Izumi Curtis.

Yes, I know that Mrs. Curtis is married, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want a different cut of meat from time to time. On multiple occasions, since Fullmetal became a state alchemist, she's paid me a visit just so she could fling her humungous tits onto my chest and give me the hardest lovin' the world has to offer. Being a high ranking military officer, I'm used to everyone doing what I say. Don't get me wrong, I love having a loyal team that'll make me breakfast on command, but if that's your life, it's no fun if your sex life is direct parallel. I like a lady who does the driving, and no one drives more dangerously than her. You know what turns me off, even if I like her as a person? A woman with unnatural self-control. You know who's like that? My assisstant, first Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye.

Don't get me wrong- the Lieutenant is amazing at what she does, but _I_ do not fall under the category of "what she does", as the approximate other half of you assume. You're right to think that her and I are also awfully close, but that's innevitable, since I was her fahter's only alchemy student. Right about now, I bet you're thinking "but you've seen her bare back". You all seem to think that that encounter of ours was sexual, but I will set things straight- I didn't choose where her father put his alchemy notes. And honestly, I had to focus so much on copying the tattoo, and was absorbed in the information it held. Her and I were in the academy at the time, and she involved with someone else there. You know her friend Rebecca Catalina? Around that time was their "experimental lesbian phase". Of course, for Hawkeye it wasn't so much experimental as it was confirmational. Ever noticed how stoic and impersonal she is in the company of her fellow officers? I know you've never seen it, but she's significantly less like that with, you know, General Armstrong, Lieutenant Ross, and as you _have_ seen, Lieutenant Catalina.

Let's talk hypothetically again- what if I _were_ involved with another officer? Even if Hawkeye didn't shoot the other way, it would definitely _not_ be her. You think someone that humorless would be any fun to fool around with? Not for me. It's true, there is pleasure in getting a little more intimate with someone you already go way back with, but not someone like her. I'm more into the cocky, opinionated type... someone who draws you in with sass, wit, sharp eyes- particularly green eyes, some classy spectacles, sexy stubble... and your average nuclear family. In case you haven't figured it out, I'm referring to my... "old pal" Maes Hughes.

It's true, his nonsensical jibber-jabber and occasional smartassery can be a bit much, but a guy like will give you a more heart-pounding ass-pounding than you can imagine. And once he's done, he'll let you swoon back into his deliciously sculpted arms until you come to your senses, and possibly start talking about his daughter, and annoying as it is, you love that he feels no shame. You know how I know this? From experience. And from other experience, I know he's good at keeping secrets, so I don't have anything to worry about if I ever run into his wife.

Now, before you go off and draw me dominating either one of those itty-bitty blondes, don't send any of that my way. Now that you've read this, you know that my type is sassy, sexy, dominant, dark haired and married.

That's just like you, minus the-

Sorry about that, Maes is here with me, he just felt like-

I just feel like we should get back to fucking, it's not like you can get me pr-

Oh yeah, Izumi's here too. We just happened to be-

Having a three-

Dammit, Izumi stop grabbing my pe-

Roy came 5 five times during the paragraph about-

Dammit, Maes. Well, now you know the truth! Now that everything's settled, I've got some very serious business to attend to.


End file.
